Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Analyze This

Never mind that it is 3:15 am--when I just signed out of Hotmail and scrolled down the MSN page I noticed the following:


Top 5 Searches

  1. World's ugliest dog
  2. Christmas candy
  3. Ziyi Zhang
  4. Michelle Yeoh
  5. John Lennon

Suggested Searches

I find it hard to believe that any of those listed are the top five searches as far as the number of hits they get. But what I want to know is who's job is it to "suggest" these searches and what is going on in his or her life that would have them suggest "Unhappy Marriage"? I'm guessing it's someone who wants to see if that search has any impact on divorce rates in the next few months. It's probably just some Sociology major working part-time and wants to get their thesis done while they are getting paid.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

So They Say It's Your Birthday?

Well we're just going to rub it in that you're a year older...

With going to the doctor and finding out that you have an irregular heart rhythm. At best we're hoping for a heart murmur.

By starting your period on your day (horrendous back pain anyone?)

With a stuffed up nose and no taste buds.


Monday, November 28, 2005

The LaRue Logic

My mother-in-law, who I call Marge, is a non-stop worrier. She used to get mad at Husband and me for going shopping at Lloyd Center because she was sure that he was going to get shot and I was going to be raped. Now what are the chances of either of these things happening let alone, both happening in one visit?

She's not eating chicken right now because of the avian flu. Last week she gave us Tsunami Evacuation Route pamphlets. She lives in Warrenton and they sit just below sea-level. A fact that she reminds me of constantly. We are below sea-level in Warrenton and not that far above it in Astoria.

So, you can imagine my bewildered amusement when she calls me tonight to say that she can't make it to see "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” due to the fact that the snow-level is supposed to reach 500 feet.

I said, "But aren't we at sea-level?" She first says no but then thinks about it and says, "Well yeah, but the roads will be icy and it's really cold out there--I just want to play it on the safe side". She's playing it on the super-safe-not-watching-Harry-Potter-side, which sucks ass.

The "M Word"

Have you ever been talking to someone and they are talking about people from Mexico, i.e. Mexicans, but lower their voices as if they are saying a bad word or a racial slur? This happens all the time to me around here. You don't lower your voice in self-conscious paranoia when you refer to a Canadian or an Italian, so why when you refer to a Mexican. Do you think you're going to offend a Mexican? That crap drives me crazy.

This reminds me of a true story I was recently told by a friend. She works at a local fast food restaurant and decided to go in on Halloween in-between hitting the various neighborhoods with her kids. When she arrived she was shocked to see a 16 year-old employee behind the counter dressed in a low-cut tank top, a denim skirt that barely covered her butt, and fishnet stockings. My friend told her that if she had been on shift she would have sent her home. The 16 year-old tells her that the owner approved her costume however she goes into the back and gets a coat on.

The next day my friend talks to the owner and finds out what had happened prior to her arrival. It turns out that what the owner approved was cowboy boots, a long denim skirt, and a t-shirt. She changed after the owner left. The owner assumed the girl was a cowgirl and when she asked the girl if she was right, the girl responded, "No, I'm a Mexican". The owner responded with, "You can't be a Mexican. You can't say that." The girl's response? "Should I say Hispanic?"

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

A Trip to the Mart

This past Saturday night Husband was pretty well, drunk, wasted, what have you, when he asked me to stop by the Astoria Mini-Mart on our way home at about 2am. I wait in the car and Husband emerges with a large grocery bag. The contents:

Two Watermelon Ice Gatorades
One Raspberry Lemonade Gatorade
One Lunchable
One Beef and Cheese Burrito (expired)
One 20oz Sprite
One King Sized Reese Stick
One pack of Trojans

This is why you should never take drunk Husband to a mini-mart because he gets the idea that he is grocery shopping and what should have cost $20 costs $30 there. Not to mention he was in the store for 11 minutes (I watch the clock as he is always in any and every place a significant amount of time).

But here is the best part. The man who was working that night, not the man from Knappa with the mullet and missing digits (I love that man--he is so nice) but the little guy who always wears the American Flag hats, actually said to Husband, "So what is this? Wine her, dine her, and the bang her?!" Husband's reply? "Something like that".

Only at a Mini-Mart would they ask you that. And thanks for making me look cheap Husband.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Who Is This Man?!

Husband has been acting very odd lately. Not that I am complaining (though he still hasn't cleaned a damn thing!) but besides him arranging the music show and the Hotel Elliot stay he brought me home a bottle of wine last night. Very nice wine at that.

Perhaps it is because he feels bad about GW? I actually don't think that's it because in the end we both find it pretty funny. Last night we were in the bar and GW couldn't stop staring at Husband as he ate his beef stroganoff. She also kissed him on the back of the head and gave him a shoulder massage until Husband said "that's good, thanks". I was just laughing at the other end of the bar.

I feel bad to a point--I'm purposely giving Husband lots of space when we're out because I want to prove to him that this is not a normal thing. Of course it is highly entertaining so I am watching the show too. But I don't feel bad for him, just her.

But it gives me a big "I told you so" on Husband. And isn't that what marriage is all about?